How to Stop Abandoning Yourself in Relationships

Let’s get honest for a second:

Have you ever found yourself shrinking to keep someone? Avoiding hard conversations to “keep the peace”?Saying yes when your whole body wanted to say no?

Yeah. Same.

Most of us don’t consciously abandon ourselves. But over time, if you've been conditioned to prioritize others—especially in family, romantic, or cultural dynamics—it becomes automatic.

But here’s the truth:

Losing someone hurts. Losing yourself to keep them? Hurts more.

Let’s talk about what self-abandonment looks like… and how to start coming back home to you.

First: What does it actually mean to abandon yourself?

Self-abandonment is when you disconnect from your own needs, feelings, or boundaries in order to:

• Avoid rejection

• Be “chosen”

• Keep someone happy

• Avoid conflict

• Maintain control

It often looks like:

• Laughing something off when it really hurt

• Ignoring your gut feeling because you don’t want to “overreact”

• Pretending you’re okay when you’re not

• Minimizing your own needs to avoid being “too much”

• Making excuses for someone else’s behavior

• Staying quiet when you want to speak up

Sound familiar?

Why We Do It

Many of us were taught early on—whether directly or indirectly—that love was conditional.

• “Be good and you’ll be accepted.”

• “Don’t make it about you.”

• “Don’t rock the boat.”

• “Don’t be difficult.”

So we adapted. We learned that the safest thing to do was abandon ourselves before someone else could. But here’s the thing: That strategy kept you safe then—but it’s likely keeping you stuck now.

Here’s How to Start Choosing You

Self-loyalty is a muscle. Let’s build it:

1. Notice When You Disconnect

Ask yourself: “Am I about to say or do this because I mean it… or because I’m afraid?” Awareness is everything. You can’t shift a pattern you don’t see.

2. Get Curious Instead of Critical

Self-abandonment is usually a survival strategy, not a character flaw. Instead of judging yourself for falling into the pattern, try asking: “What part of me is trying to protect me right now?” Compassion helps create space for new choices.

3. Practice Micro-Moments of Self-Honoring

• Say “Let me think about it” instead of an automatic yes.

• Pause before responding when you’re triggered.

• Speak one honest sentence—even if it’s small:
  “That actually hurt my feelings.”
  “I’m not available for that.”
  “That doesn’t feel aligned for me.”

You don’t have to overhaul everything overnight. Start with small ways of telling the truth.

4. Let People Disappoint You

This one’s tough, but real: If being your full self makes someone pull away… they were never really accepting you in the first place. Letting people go is hard. But abandoning yourself to keep them only deepens the wound.

5. Build a Relationship With You

What makes you feel safe? What lights you up? What are your boundaries, needs, values?

Self-abandonment thrives in disconnection. Self-trust grows in intimacy—with your body, your emotions, your truth.

Final Thoughts: You Are Worth Staying With

Healing means learning to stay with yourself—even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when someone else pulls away. Even when old patterns try to take over.

You’ve already been left before. You’ve already survived that. Now it’s time to try something new: Choose you. Again and again and again.

Need support?

At Shades of Healing Therapy, we help women of color reconnect with themselves in relationships—through boundary work, inner child healing, and trauma-informed therapy that gets it. You deserve relationships where you don’t disapper.

If you're tired of people-pleasing, shape-shifting, and second-guessing your worth…

Book a free 15-minute consultation

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Shades of Healing Therapy