You Can’t Actually Be Abandoned as an Adult (But It Sure Can Feel That Way)
Let’s talk about something that hits deep—abandonment.
If you've ever had someone pull away, ghost you, break up with you, or emotionally shut down, and you felt like your whole nervous system went into panic mode… you’re not alone. That feeling of “I’ve been abandoned” is real.
But here's the thing that might surprise you: As an adult, you can no longer be truly abandoned.
Wait—what? Let’s break that down.
First, a little context: Where does this fear come from?
When we talk about “abandonment,” we’re usually not just talking about someone ending a relationship or not texting back. What we’re really talking about is an old wound being poked.
For many of us, abandonment anxiety comes from early experiences where we were:
Emotionally neglected as children
Left to manage big feelings alone
Ignored, dismissed, or made to feel invisible
Given love conditionally
Or maybe even literally abandoned (by a parent, caregiver, or loved one)
Those experiences teach our young nervous systems:“When people leave me, I don’t survive.” And as adults, when someone withdraws, we don’t just feel sad or disappointed—we feel terrified. We feel unsafe. That inner child is screaming: “They’re leaving, and I won’t be okay.”
But Here’s the Truth: You’re not that child anymore.
You may still feel like that small, scared version of yourself in certain moments. But today, you have agency. You have choice. You have tools. And you are capable of caring for yourself in ways that weren’t possible before. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It just means it’s not abandonment in the literal, survival-level sense. It’s disconnection. It’s loss. And yes—it still totally sucks. But you will survive. And you can soothe those big feelings instead of spiraling in them.
Let’s bust a few myths real quick:
Myth #1:
“If someone pulls away, it means something’s wrong with me.”
Nope. People leave or shut down for their own reasons—many of which have nothing to do with your worth.
Myth #2:
“I’ll never feel whole again unless they come back.”
That’s the old abandonment wound talking. You might want connection or clarity—and that’s valid. But you don’t need that person to be whole.
Myth #3:
“I was abandoned. I can’t trust anyone.”
It’s okay to feel hurt. But watch how that belief reinforces the same pain over and over. Healing happens when we start to separate the past from the present.
So what do I do with all these intense feelings?
When you feel abandoned, here’s what’s really happening: Your nervous system is responding to disconnection the same way it responded to abandonment as a kid. It’s not logical—it’s biological. So the most healing thing you can do isn’t to chase the person or “fix” the situation. It’s to attune to yourself.
Try this:
Pause and breathe. Ground yourself in the present. You’re safe right now.
Ask yourself: What part of me feels abandoned right now?
Then ask: What does that part need from me?
Offer comfort. Wrap yourself in a blanket. Say kind things to yourself out loud. Call a friend who makes you feel safe.
You are learning to re-parent the part of you that still believes they’ll be left with nothing.
Final Thoughts: You are not alone.
You can’t be truly abandoned anymore. But you can feel deeply alone, unseen, or disconnected—and those feelings are 100% valid. If this blog speaks to you, and you’ve been carrying this fear of abandonment in your relationships, just know: it’s not your fault. And it doesn’t have to define you. You can learn how to feel safe in your own body again. You can build relationships where you don’t abandon yourself. And yes—you can heal the parts of you that still believe love equals loss.
Ready for support?
If you're ready to work through this gently, we’re here. At Shades of Healing Therapy, we help women untangle these painful patterns so they can build secure, nourishing relationships—with others and themselves.
Let’s talk about what healing could look like for you. You don’t have to carry this alone anymore.
Book your free 15-minute consultation
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Shades of Healing Therapy